What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 02:43
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I waited trembling.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
How can people balance religious beliefs with seeking professional mental health care?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
When she asked me how she looked .
Why do men choose to marry a plain Jane woman over a pretty woman?
Comes on , in middle age.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We were not on the streets..
Do happily married husbands cheat?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im still living with it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
What smell will you never forget?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
What does success really mean to you? Is it about happiness, money, or something else?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
As i do to all so called friends.?
This is soul school!.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Renault CEO and architect of Alpine F1 project stepping down - The Race
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My life is so biszare .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He knew the spot.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My family never makes their pension either.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We all went to grammer schools
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She loved him until the end.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was 9 years of age.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was seconnd youngest,
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
All the time i was locked up.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
One cannot live in the past .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was very sick at this time too.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I think the readers, may guess!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But it wasn’t much.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Would this be the day?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Ive learnt so much.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She was in good health!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
So, i spoilt her more .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She married twice! .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
What did i know ?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
It was going to be , some day.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I never cut or harmed myself..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I don,t even have a pension.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She found it foreign!.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I said to her
(And it was in our own minds.)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Put me off passion for life!!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But, we were locked up after school.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I will be 64.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Was to survive, this bastard.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was scared of men, in general
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
So whats the point in blame.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I have no regrets .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I write beautiful poetry .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And i lived it daily.
Why did i forgive my father ?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She wouldn,t have been !
I could never make a relationship work though!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Who then, do I blame.?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.